The Shape I’m In

26 July 2011

My financial analyst told me that I will run out of money a week from today. There is no way around it. My bills and interest payments are more than my income.

How did I get into this mess? Gradually and then suddenly. (A crisp $1 bill for anyone who gets that reference)

You may not know it but I am a violent person. I have been getting into fights since I was born. In fact, just after I was born, there was this Asian baby who didn’t look right to me so I started a fight with him and his whole family. It lasted another 10 years but eventually I ended it, I called it “Peace with Honor.”

While that skirmish was going on, I was fighting with this Russian family too. Our fight was more posturing than actual fisticuffs. After 27 years, the Ruskie folded and I was declared the winner.

There were other minor fights along the way, I once got into a fight with this guy from the Caribbean. It only lasted a week and I ended up driving his family around for most of it.

Around 10 years ago, I was at home, washing my car and minding my own business when BAM, these 19 highly trained ninjas from Marietta, GA beat the living shit out of me. I was in the hospital for a number of weeks. In fact, there was some concern whether I would ever walk again. While I was out of it; celebrities and musicians held a concert and telethon for me. Yes, it was lame but the thought was nice. After much time, I got back up on my feet.

That beat down got me mad and vengeful. I found out that those guys from Marietta were actually trained in Kennesaw, GA. The first thing I did was attack those sum bitches in Kennesaw, even though the people who lived there weren’t the guys who kicked my ass.

A few years later, while this fight with Kennesaw was going one, I was visiting Alpharetta, GA. I really had to pee and I drove by a house where I stayed once in the 1990’s. I asked if I could tour the house and use their bathroom. The people who lived there were total douches and said no! I asked and asked and asked but the stood firm that I was not going to enter their house to use their bathroom.

I did what anyone would do in this situation; I stormed in and totally trashed their place. They resisted at first but finally I did get to use their bathroom. I have now occupied that house for eight years and there is no end in sight.

Aside from these two fights I have going on; I do take care of a few other responsibilities. My grandparents have various medical issues and being a good grandson, I am taking care of all their medical bills. My parents are close to retiring and I have been setting money aside for them every week. Soon they will begin collecting this money that will take them to the end of their lives.

I have a safety net fund set up too. I usually put aside some money if I become unemployed. In addition, I try to give some money to local schools to educate the youngsters; after all, I believe the children are our future.

Due to my overspending, I have had to take out some loans. As the economy tumbled, I haven’t had the chance to pay them back; I can barely afford the minimum payments on the interest.

Lastly, I spend what little is left over on the arts, buying books, car repair, doctors bills, giving to veterans and paying my usual bills.

According to my financial analyst, I have to make some hard choices. My income is split up this way:

–        40% goes to taking care of my parents and grandparents.

–        20% to rent, bills etc

–        20% goes to my on-going fights but that keeps rising.

–        14% goes into my Safety Net.

–        The interest payments are 6% of my budget.

If I lower the amount I give to my parents and grandparents they will be pissed off, disinherit me and get all their friends to write bad things about me on Facebook.

My rent, gas and bills can’t be cut in fact they keep going up. I can’t move to a cheaper place, it took me all my life to get to where I am and I don’t want to move back home. Besides, if I stop funding my parents, they won’t welcome me back with open arms.

I can’t really stop my fights because the job isn’t done yet. I don’t know when the job will be done and there is no real time table for it to be completed. In addition, if I don’t continue these fights, I run the risk of someone else could start a fight with me and I will need more money to defend myself.

The safety net can be cut a little but a lot of people depend on me for those funds. Cutting that would be like cutting them off of life support.

I could cut the interest payments but if I do my creditors will be taking everything I own back.

The other option I was forced with was increasing the cost that people pay to be my friend on Facebook or read my blog. I have broached the subject with a few of them but I was met with immediate and strong resistance. All of my Facebook friends and Pure Gibberish readers have banded together and formed APE. Already Paid Enough!

This is my dilemma. On August 2, 2011, I run out of money. My income will no longer be able to pay all of my commitments. I can’t make the cuts and I can’t have me friends and readers pay for the privilege of my writings. What do you think I should do? I will entertain any and all suggestions.

This may be the last Pure Gibberish for a long, long, long time unless I can come up with a solution in a week.

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